Mo likes his new gumbi toy.
This is a sort of dedication doodle.
First off, to my old Schnauzer, Liberty: I loved her so so so so sooo much. Nothing will ever replace her in my heart. She was certainly one of the greatest dogs I will ever have owned, and she lived a long, good life. She was my heart, my life and my angel.
Now, to my new Schnauzer, Romeo: He is sweet and cute and I hope that he’ll grow up to be a good dog. I promise to do my best to be a good Mama to him! I know that Liberty would have loved him, had she met him…I’m so grateful for my new little angel.
Meet Caged Bird, formerly Song Bird. She’s an aspiring alternative singer who likes to put on a show worth getting invested in. She dreams big and works hard to achieve her dreams, but she’d be nowhere without her wonderful band!
Decided to try some new techniques color-wize. Particularly with the eyes.
Her base colors are based off of Songbird from Bioshock Infinite, and the picture was inspired by the song Luck by American Authors.
Take a peek at something I’m working on. Don’t know when I’ll finish it. Was just taking a break from something else.
Please excuse my emotional ramble. First, I must state that at 10:15 in the morning, my dog has an appointment to be euthanized. She’s 11 years old, and suffering, and we can no longer do anything that will ease her pain. Since April we’ve been giving her IVs at home every week, and they informed us today that we would have to start doing so once or twice a day. These IVs are unpleasant for our dog. She does not like them, and we don’t want to make her spend hours a day living this way just to drag out her life a little longer while her kidneys continue to fail. She has kidney stones and bladder stones that we can’t have removed because she’s just too old for the surgery and they would come back pretty quickly now, though she has undergone surgery in the past to remove bladder stones. Also, she suffers from pancreotitis, on and off staph infection and is on several medications. The fact is, she lived longer than we even thought she would with all her health problems, and we can’t just make her suffer to ease ourselves. She’s been on the decline for about a week now too.
When I heard the news, it felt almost surreal. Like I couldn’t digest it. I went through denial because the fact is, our dog has a few moments where the pain lessens and she brightens up. Usually in the mornings. At first I thought she’d just need to stay at the vet and get fluids for a few days. But this morning (or I guess yesterday morning to be picky as it is 12:19 in the morning) we took her to the vet and we were informed about the necessary a fore mentioned change in her IVs. Please keep in mind that we can hardly afford what we pay to keep her alive now, but the price just spiked from $25 a month for the IVs to $200 a month. Not only could we not really afford it but our dog would be miserable just about all the time.
The fact is, I can live comfortably with our decision. I think it’s the right one. I used to pray that Liberty would live to be at least 10 years old. She’s the oldest dog I’ve ever owned personally, as I’ve had her over half my life now (I’m 21, her 11th birthday would be the 31st of this month).
Yet…It still hurts. So much.
My dog means more to me than almost anything else. She’s my angel. My family. The only one who would sit and listen and let me hug her on the rare occasion that I needed a good cry. I never liked crying to people. They talk too much.
The worst part is trying to talk about it with other people. There’s a lot of people I haven’t told. There’s a lot of people I don’t even want to talk about it with. Oddly enough, the people I’m most willing to talk about it with are people I don’t know as well…Many of them are just like “Oh man…that’s the worst…I’m so sorry…I know it’s rough…” It’s kind of nice to feel a bit of sympathy.
But then there’s other people. The people I really complain to about it. Where I talk out every detail. The people I try to cry to, and believe me, I have cried hysterically. Now I just feel empty, really…but that’s for another time. I just realized that there’s several things that are really bad to say to a sad (particularly a distraught with grief) person. And that’s really the whole point of this.
Sadness is a selfish emotion. It’s one that makes you feel alone, and feeds on a secret desire to be alone…to be special. While you beg for company and love, there’s some deep dark part of you that wants to think nobody understands. I hate most of all when people are like “I get it. I’ve been there.” Then I want to be like “Oh, you’ve spiraled into depression when you had to live without a dog? Good to know. That doesn’t make me feel better so you can stop talking about it now.” I don’t want to hear about your sadness. I don’t want to hear about your experiences. I don’t want to know that I’m not the only person that suffered. More than anything, I probably just want to talk about it.
I think a lot of people are like this without even realizing. When you’re upset, the thing that makes you feel better more than anything is crying and screaming about your problems and how unfair the world is and how you hate whatever it is you hate at the moment. Or you just want to describe how you’re feeling uninterrupted and just have people listen. You might want them to hold you, or to hold them, or to hold something but I think when a true, deep sadness strikes…we don’t want to be told we’re not alone. If anything I guess we would rather feel physically that we’re not alone, rather than not being allowed to wallow in our self pity for a bit. I think everybody deserves a bit of wallowing once in a while.
And one other thing…I hate being told I can’t be sad. Who are you to tell me I can’t be sad? Particularly in a world that preaches we should be true to our emotions. You want me to be happy? Great. Well I don’t feel happy. I don’t want to be happy. I’ll be happy later. Just for now…Just let me fill with grief. Let me heal naturally and make my own way.
Gah…I don’t know. This has been a meaningless rant by a very tired, very very sad woman. Sometime afterwords I’ll probably get on and post a few pictures of my dog. I have a lot. A lot a lot…I love her so much….